Kids. They're Never Satisfied: Teen Witch (1989)

I know my last couple of posts focused on some pretty depressing/dark stuff, so how about we take a little break and delve into the world of corny 80s films?

Enter Teen Witch.

Though this film, directed by Dorian Walker (Yeah, I haven’t heard his name anywhere else either.  Sign?), was released in 1989, it still had a full-on 80s feel, complete with over-the-top cheese.

Before I begin critiquing this little…picture…I want to preface any harsh remarks I may make by saying that I used to watch this film ALL THE TIME when I was a kid.  I still do, honestly.  Though I see all of its flaws now, they somehow have wound up being endearing qualities.

So here we go.  Teen Witch.

This film tells the story of Louise, a typical nerd/outcast who discovers that she is actually a witch.  On her 16th birthday, her powers come into effect and, with the help of Madame Serena (played by the always pleasantly creepy Zelda Rubinstein), transforms herself into the most popular girl in school.

Of course, in true Hallmark fashion, Louise decides that she doesn’t want to be loved by all because of a spell and decides to go back to being a “normal” girl.

Where do I begin?

Let’s start with the beginning.

The film opens with a random dance sequence, full of 80s dance pop and 80s hair.  The girl, we later learn, is a dolled-up Louise.  What she fantasizes herself to be, let’s say.  However, the guy she is dancing with, the audience comes to realize, is not her ultimate crush, Brad.

So who is this random man dancing in the opening of a film before characters are even established?  Anybody know?  No?  Okay, moving on.

The sequence ends with Louise about to jump from a very high level down into mystery man’s arms, her own stretched out.  Call me crazy, but I’m glad that move got interrupted because considering how high up she was, I don’t see that ending well.

Photo credit: Brittany Hague

 The sequence turns out to be a dream and Louise awakens to find her younger brother eating underneath her bed.

Now let me say, her brother Richie, played by Joshua Miller, is definitely one of the highlights of the film for me.  The “annoying younger sibling” character is played to perfection with great one-liners and fantastic delivery.  (His reading of ‘Brad, kiss me dahhhlin’ from Louise’s diary is probably one of my favorite moments in the entire film and never fails to make me laugh.)

Louise’s mother soon enters to tell her daughter it is time to wake up, followed by the cheerful announcement “Breakfast in three minutes.”

Really?  You think your daughter is just now awakening and yet you want her downstairs and ready in three minutes?  Alrighty, then.

Photo credit: Brittany Hague

 The ridiculousness ensues as Louise makes her way to the table, where her father compliments her on her outfit.  Louise’s response is that it is because she is wearing her father’s favorite color.

Grayish-green?  So the man’s favorite color is vomit?  Okay.  Moving on.

Louise is met outside by her best friend Polly and the two head off to school.  Just before they leave, however, the audience is briefly introduced to one of the “popular” girls.

Looking back, this always makes me chuckle.  Polly comments on the other girl’s outfit, calling it “pretty sleazy.”  It was a denim skirt that almost reached the girl’s knee and a long-sleeved white shirt.

Could you imagine if they ever remade this movie?  What would she have to be wearing today to be considered “pretty sleazy”?  A thong and a bra?

Throughout the rest of the film, we meet an array of characters.

The cheerleaders, who apparently all know the moves to a cheer they are just being shown for the first time.

One thing I will give this film is that all the songs used are pretty good and catchy, even if in a corny way…except for “I Like Boys,” the song used for the cheer.  That one song has made me want to throw my head into a wall on a number of occasions.

Then there’s Brad, the football player Louise fawns over.  Mr. Weaver, the English teacher who seems to enjoy making everyone’s lives miserable.  And Ms. Malloy, the eccentric drama teacher to whom Louise can turn.

She could be seen as a gown up Louise.  She even states, “Louise…there’s so much of you in me, it hurts.”

The cast is rounded out by the character of David, the typical “nerd who thinks he’s actually cool” and the trio I tend to refer to as the “rap boys.”

Photo credit: The Derp Review

 David ends up being Louise’s mystery date for the upcoming dance and is of course nothing but a nuisance to the wannabe popular Louise.  Though he is a comedic high point for the film, with a great line of “Wanna smoke some weeeed?” spoken quietly to Louise while they are dancing.

And the rap boys.  Oh the rap boys.  The epitome of what could have been possibly considered cool in the 80s, but was pushing the cheese factor for even then, this was a group of three white boys who spent their time both during and away from school attempting to be rappers.

This does lead to probably the most memorable scene in the film.  The "Top That" scene.

It’s so amazingly corny that if you haven’t seen it, I don’t want to spoil the epicness for you.

Go check it out on Youtube.  Go.  Go now.  I’ll wait.

…..

Back?  Okay, good.

You see what I mean?  That scene is a great way to sum this film up as a whole.  It’s a bowl of 80s corn and clichés, but there’s just something so endearing about it I can’t help but love it.

Louise ends up popular, gets the guy, but realizes what “really matters.”  Despite the schmaltz factor, I can’t watch this film and not be put in a good mood.

And sometimes, that’s all you need in life.

Up next in our Girl Power series, Girlfight (2000).

To return to the beginning of the series, click here.